*NOTICE*: Joe has already found someone and is no longer looking.
Joe is offering a $10,000 reward to anyone who finds him a girlfriend that he ends up dating for at least 4 months. He is also offering $2,000 if you introduce him to someone else who introduces him to a woman. So if you share this post, and your friend ends up setting him up with someone she knows, that friend will get $10,000 and you will get the $2,000. This is a multi-level marketing scheme at its finest.
Why the Dating Hack?
So, I’m all about “hacks” and I’m trying a new hack to find a long-term girlfriend. This is an experiment to see if I can find a quality woman through this unconventional way. Most hacks don’t end up working, but they are worth a shot.
I’m pretty serious about paying whoever successfully sets me up – you can take it to the bank!
I will be following up to let people know how this experiment pans out! Wish me luck!!!
My life has been an interesting ride thus far. I grew up with a lot of disadvantages, but have overcome them.
I grew up relatively poor, in a single parent home, without an education, in a completely isolated culture, and with chronic health issues that affected my ability to accomplish anything or function well.
When I graduated high school, I decided the first thing I needed to figure out was my spiritual life – particularly if I wanted to be Jewish. I grew up in an Ultra-Orthodox community, which had a massive impact on all aspects of my life.
I spent more than a year and a half in Israel studying religious texts. Shortly after I came back to the States, I decided that religion wasn’t for me. At this time, I was still embedded in the Orthodox Jewish world. Actually, I had never had more than a superficial or short-term encounter with anyone who wasn’t Jewish until the age of 27. That’s how culturally isolated I was.
When I was in college, I realized my academic skills were non-existent. My reading and writing were at an 8th-grade level.
So, my focus from 20-23 was to improve my academic abilities. I succeeded at this. I improved my verbal skills, logical reasoning, math, writing, and general knowledge of the world.
I graduated college with a 4.0 and scored in the 99th percentile on the GREs.
At 23, my main goal in life was to find internal happiness. I searched around and realized that a ‘Zen’ attitude was most suitable for me and used it as a framework to live my life. After a long period of self-evaluation and meditation, I was able to be more at peace with myself.
At 25, chronic health issues caught up with me. I was suffering from crippling fatigue, low motivation, gut problems, and general inflammation. Doctors were useless. I took it upon myself to understand the body inside and out and how it interacted with our environment.
At 27, I fully cured all of my health issues and learned quite a lot of biology and health from my research. I was taking pre-med courses from 25-27 while I was fixing my issues, in order to get a PhD.
I figured out that academia wasn’t for me, so I decided to pursue my passion and work full time on SelfHacked and other ventures.
My main goal was to build a successful business that helped people, while also bringing a good income for myself.
About a year ago, I came out of a long-term relationship with an absolutely wonderful woman who I admire a lot, but we weren’t meant to be.
Six months ago, I felt like my businesses stabilized and were successful enough that I could then settle down and be comfortable.
Now, at the age of 30 (born 03/1987), my main goal in life has turned to finding a long-term companion. I don’t think we’re designed to live life alone.
I had assumed that if I’m a kind and easy-going person with little mental baggage, and was financially successful, it shouldn’t be too hard to date someone that I’d be interested in, given that I’m not bad looking. However, reality smacked me in the face, and I realized I needed to ‘hack’ my dating life.
What I Have Tried So Far
Leaving no stone unturned, I went on every dating platform out there and literally went through every match within a 30-mile radius. The apps started saying “there is no one left in your area.”
Thinking I might be doing something wrong, I even paid 2 different girls to do the online and app dating for me. No luck.
I approached women on the street. I tried out bars and venues, activities, meetups and other events. No luck.
I got a whole new wardrobe, started working out, bought a new Benz, bought furniture and gadgets to make my room look cool, became more extroverted, got lasik, and more. I ended up attracting the wrong types of women that I wasn’t interested in anyway.
I’ve now realized that I will probably meet someone eventually, but it could take 5-10 years and a lot of effort. But do I really want to be alone for the next 5 years?
Dating was making me much less productive. I went from working 60-65 hours a week to 35-40 hours a week in the past 6 months. I’d rather not spend 25 hours a week looking for women to date. I have no issue spending time with a woman that I like, but the chase itself is not something I intrinsically enjoy, so I’d rather outsource that part, if possible.
If it’s a choice between chasing women or my business, I’m gonna spend that time building my business and helping people by making great products. My time is the bottleneck in a lot of projects that I want to start and complete. However, if I like someone, then that radically changes the equation in terms of where I spend my time.
I came to the conclusion that there are 2 efficient ways I can meet someone. I can either change dating markets because the southern California dating market is brutal. NYC is actually quite good compared to southern California. If a woman is looking for a good looking guy, there are 6’3 models all over the place. If they are looking for wealth, billionaires roam the streets. SoCal values money and materialism, whereas the Northeast values intelligence more.
If women are looking for personality, then quality women usually find guys within their social circles and are often taken at an early age. I have limited social circles in southern California because I only recently moved here.
The best market for me would be Israel. I was seriously considering moving, but I thought it could be an impediment for growing my businesses, so I’ve put that plan on hold. And I’d still like to exhaust all of the options in the States.
Then I thought… Wait, I get a lot of traffic through this website. If I advertise here, I can have a broad reach. I figured if I offer a monetary reward for people to set me up, then that reach will exponentially expand the number of people who see this post. And if I offer a monetary reward for someone who refers me to someone who sets me up, that will create an even broader reach.
So I’m trying this out to see how it goes. Compared to the value of a long-term companion, $10,000 is relatively little. In terms of ROI, it’ll probably be the best investment of my life.
Terms & Conditions
- Anyone is eligible to set me up, I don’t need to know you. Share this post with your friends and you will win the money if I end up dating one of them.
- If you share it with a friend who ends up setting me up with someone, you will still get paid $2,000 and the person who directly set me up will get the $10,000.
- The woman must be either in Southern California or be willing to live in Southern California (I don’t do long distance dating).
- The dating timeframe is only counting the time that she is physically in southern California. If she comes here for 1 month, leaves for 3 months and comes back 3 months later, that’s not counted as 4 months of dating.
- If the girl herself finds me and is not referred by anyone, I will give her the option of either donating the $10,000 to the charity of her choice or using it to travel with her to the place of her choosing.
- If I am forced to move from SoCal in order to date someone, then there is no reward. The point of the reward is to find someone in SoCal.
What if she’s not based in Southern California?
- If she’s not based in Southern California, I’m willing to pay for her plane ticket and Airbnb. If she can’t afford to be here, I’m willing to pay for her expenses while she’s here.
- If she’s worried about finding a job, I will support her until she finds a suitable job here.
- If she’s not ready to move ‘now,’ I’m still willing to chat briefly and see if we have chemistry – and then date when she is able to move.
- I don’t mind flying to see her if she’s in a place that I plan to visit anyway – mainly NYC and Israel, but if I get enough matches, any city is fair game.
- If she’s a great catch, I would fly out to see her if her life situation does not allow her to travel at the moment.
- I’d be willing to move to any location with good weather (such as Israel or Florida) if I thought with high confidence that my soulmate was there and she couldn’t leave for a good reason, but I prefer to live in SoCal. I would live in a place like Australia, but the issue is citizenship.
- If I find my soulmate and she isn’t from this country, I will get a Visa for her and marry her if need be to keep her in the country.
What I’m looking for in a woman…
It’s my job to select qualified applicants for a job, so I do a lot of psychology research in order to understand people better and build models for which personality traits would fit well with our organization.
I applied this research to my dating life and made a list of “requirements” and “plusses”.
These requirements aren’t because I think I’m so great, it’s because I realized it’s what would allow me to be happy with someone in the long term. I’ve tried to date women who were missing these requirements and it didn’t work out. The plusses are not absolute requirements, but if someone had them, it would be a bonus.
At the end of the day, the only thing I care about is being with someone that I’m passionate about, appreciate, and respect. The list goes out of the window when I meet such a person, no matter what their traits are. It’s more of a guide for the woman so that she knows which traits I tend to value the most, and we’re both less likely to waste our time.
I’m using some terms here that are scientific in nature, so if it sounds a bit weirder than it is. 🙂
- Physical attraction
- High on Conscientiousness (competent, reliable, thoughtful, deliberate)
- Low on Neuroticism
—Low Volatility: Hostility, Anger, Impulsiveness, Instability
—Low Withdrawal: Anxiety, Unhappiness/Depression, Self-consciousness
- Easy going (see Agreeableness)
- Open-minded (see Openness to experience)
- Enthusiasm for life (Friendliness, Positive Emotions, Sociability) (see extraversion)
Open-minded and easy going are more everyday expressions of certain facets of Agreeableness and Openness.
These are not requirements, but I notice that I get along better with women who are:
- Into health
- Not materialistic
- Good cuddlers
I’m looking for someone who:
- Doesn’t have kids (requirement)
- Wants to settle down
- Preferably wants kids
- Preferably between 20-30
- Preferably under 5’9 (I’m 5’9)
My preferred age range is 30 or below because I’d like to start having kids in about 5 years. I prefer women who are 20 or over for reasons related to psychological maturity, but if she is very mature for her age, then 18 or over is fine.
What I Don’t Care About
Although I’m secular, I don’t care if a girl is religious as long as she doesn’t push her views on me. I have a ‘live and let live’ attitude and I’m not judgmental about what people believe or what they practice.
I also don’t care if someone is divorced.
About Joe: Abridged Version
I’d like to think that I possess the traits that I’m looking for in a woman. Other people have told me I do, but there’s only one way to find out. 🙂
I’d like to think that I’m intelligent, kind, easy-going, even-keeled, authentic, positive, and honest.
I tend to always push the bounds of or poke at social conventions, mainly for the entertainment value it brings me.
I have almost no shame and live my life as if the concept of embarrassment didn’t exist.
I’m direct and not very politically correct, as you can see from this post.
In my free time, I like:
- Physical activities such as hiking, volleyball, tennis, surfing, etc.
- Meeting new and interesting people
- Anything challenging or competitive
Steps to Date Joe
- She should add me on instagram and if I’m interested, I will message her. She can tell me where she found me.
- Take cognitive tests, to be administered through our automated testing system.
- 1 video call if not local or meet up if local.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is this a joke?
Only the part about cognitive tests. While we give them to potential employees, I don’t give them to potential dates. 🙂
The rest is serious and you will be paid if you set me up.
Why is it hard for Joe to find a date?
If you ask around, most women meet guys through social circles, school, or work. The problem is, as I mentioned, my social circles in southern California are limited, I’m not in school, and it’s not a good practice to date your employees.
I grew up Orthodox and in NYC and went to all boys schools throughout my life. I now live in Orange County (next to LA). It will take a very long time to build up social circles because I don’t think most of the people around here are down to earth or genuine.
I just grew up in a very different culture. In Israel or NY, it’s relatively easy for me to make new friends because people are more authentic and have personalities more suited to me.
I moved here purely for the weather. If you’re next to the coast, in the summer it doesn’t go above 80 degrees generally and in the winter it doesn’t go below 65 (avg high 68). It doesn’t rain much and there are no mosquitos. I chose Orange County because the air is cleaner and it’s less congested than LA.
I also live in somewhat of a retirement community here because it had the cleanest air in SoCal (Capistrano beach, just south of Laguna Beach)… but then I realized that it’s removed from people. I will be moving to Newport Beach where there are more people so, hopefully, that will change something.
Southern California can be very materialistic and superficial. Many women here are looking for guys who are 6’3 and models. That’s not me, on both accounts. They are looking for very conventional guys. This post would freak out almost any girl from here.
My health-focused lifestyle is often a deal-breaker for some 🙂
On the other hand, Jewish/Israeli girls often appreciate when a guy is a bit unconventional. I guess it’s not a surprise that 90% of the messages I’m getting are from Jewish girls.
Finding dates online is tough because everyone is lying about themselves and there’s no way to stick out. If you say you’re an ‘entrepreneur,’ you join the other 99 guys who are broke and using that term because it sounds better than ‘unemployed.’
My biggest problem with dating is getting on enough dates with women that I’m interested in. However, once I get on the date, it generally goes well. After 6 months of looking, I went on only a handful of dates.
I am selective, but I don’t think I’m unreasonable.
Does the woman need to be Jewish?
No. I personally don’t care, but my family does, so it’s a plus, but not a requirement.
How can I find Joe’s profile?
Why the need to date Joe for 4 months?
For 2 reasons:
- That’s how long it can take for Joe to get to know someone.
- To protect against people who just date him for the reward.
Is Joe crazy?
Stupid question – yes. Did you not see this dating ad?
Is Joe a Narcissist or a Sociopath?
No, I am just trying to find someone to date that I like. I’m put in a tricky situation of trying to attract someone, which requires some self-promotion, but not seem like a douche bag. Not sure how to navigate these waters.
Does Joe have Asperger’s or Autism?
A lot of people are commenting about this. No, but I tend to disregard, not care about, or flout social or political conventions, so some people think I have some tendencies. It’s more of an INTJ thing, if ya ask me.
Does Joe view women as a list of traits or objects?
Absolutely not. I try to respect all people, including women.
When I meet someone, I don’t see them as a list of traits. I am more interested in how we vibe.
I don’t think chemistry is ever predictable before meeting.
However, there are some fundamental traits that I know I tend to respect and get along with well over the long term. So, I think it’s important to put those out there and try to attract someone with those traits.
Doesn’t this take all the or romance out of an interaction?
Ideally, I’d be more interested in something spontaneous. Nothing that’s too planned out is exciting to me. It’s the unexpected that excites. I like letting nature take its course.
Although I’m naturally conscientious, the Zen concept of living your life in as spontaneous a way as possible resonates with me.
However, there is a place for matchmakers, and I think democratizing the matchmaking process might yield positive results.
I’m a believer that whom you date or marry is the biggest decision that one makes in life.
Why would someone move for Joe if he’s not that great?
I don’t expect anyone to move for me. I expect to be set up with someone from Southern California or someone who wants to move here.
Next Steps if This Doesn’t Work…
Move to Israel.
Big 5 Personality Traits, With 6 Facets
The big five personality model has the most science behind it in relation to other personality inventories.
Here are the Big Five Dimension Facets – and their correlated trait adjective. The correlated adjective is more easy to understand than the name of the facet.
Again, I’ve done research on this because of the need to predict workplace performance, understanding what role people would be good in, how people work best and whether they’d be a good cultural fit with the company (you’re welcome to apply to work for us!).
1) Extraversion vs. introversion
Joe is extraverted.
Extraversion: (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved). Energy, positive emotions, surgency, assertiveness, sociability and the tendency to seek stimulation in the company of others, and talkativeness.
2 Main Facets:
- Assertiveness: Dominance
- Enthusiasm: Gregariousness/Friendliness, Positive Emotions, Sociability
- Gregariousness (sociable)
- Assertiveness (forceful)
- Activity (energetic)
- Excitement-seeking (adventurous)
- Positive emotions (enthusiastic)
- Warmth (outgoing)
Indications that you may be extraverted:
- Loves to chat
- Laughs aloud
- Slaps people on the back
Indications that you may be intraverted:
- Keeps apart from others
- Avoids contacts with others
- Avoids company
2) Agreeableness vs. antagonism
Joe is high on agreeableness.
Agreeableness: (friendly/compassionate vs. analytical/detached). A tendency to be compassionate and cooperative rather than suspicious and antagonistic towards others. It is also a measure of one’s trusting and helpful nature, and whether a person is generally well tempered or not.
2 Main Facets:
- Compassion: Warmth, Sympathy, Tenderness
- Politeness: Cooperation, Compliance, Straightforwardness (not demanding)… more reasoned or cognitively influenced consideration of and respect for others’ needs and desires.
- Trust (forgiving)
- Straightforwardness (not demanding)
- Altruism (warm)
- Compliance (not stubborn)
- Modesty (not show-off)
- Tender-mindedness (sympathetic)
Indications that you may be ‘Agreeable’:
- Respects others feelings
- Takes others interests into account
- Is willing to make compromises
Indications that you may be ‘disagreeable’:
- Imposes his/her will on others
- Orders people around
- Uses others for his/her own ends
3) Conscientiousness vs. lack of direction
Joe is high on conscientiousness.
Conscientiousness: (efficient/organized/industrious). A tendency to be organized and dependable, show self-discipline, act dutifully, aim for achievement, and prefer planned rather than spontaneous behavior.
2 Main Facets:
- Industriousness: Competence, Dutifulness, Self-Discipline, Thorough, Deliberation
- Orderliness: Order
- Competence (efficient)
- Order (organized)
- Dutifulness (not careless)
- Achievement striving (thorough)
- Self-discipline (not lazy)
- Deliberation (not impulsive)
4) Neuroticism vs. emotional stability
Joe is low on neuroticism.
Neuroticism: (sensitive/nervous vs. secure/confident). The tendency to experience unpleasant emotions easily, such as anger, anxiety, depression, and vulnerability. Neuroticism also refers to the degree of emotional stability and impulse control and is sometimes referred to by its low pole, “emotional stability”.
2 Main Facets:
- Volatility (external): Hostility, Impulsiveness, Instability
- Withdrawal (internal): Anxiety, Unhappiness, Depression, Self-consciousness, Vulnerability
- Anxiety (tense)
- Angry hostility (irritable)
- Depression (not contented)
- Self-consciousness (shy)
- Impulsiveness (moody)
- Vulnerability (not self-confident)
Indications that you may be ‘High on Neuroticism’:
- Invents problems for himself/herself
- Gets overwhelmed by emotions
- Has crying fits
Indications that you may be ‘Low on Neuroticism’:
- Can take his/her mind off his/her problems
- Readily overcomes setbacks
- Is always in the same mood
5) Openness vs. closedness to experience
Joe is high on an intellectual openness, but average for aesthetic openness.
Openness to experience: (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious). Appreciation for art, emotion, adventure, unusual ideas, curiosity, and variety of experience. Openness reflects the degree of intellectual curiosity, creativity and a preference for novelty and variety a person has. It is also described as the extent to which a person is imaginative or independent, and depicts a personal preference for a variety of activities over a strict routine. Some disagreement remains about how to interpret the openness factor, which is sometimes called “intellect” rather than openness to experience.
2 Main Facets:
- Intellect: Quickness, Ingenuity, Curiosity, and Ideas
- Openness: Aesthetics, Imagination, and Fantasy
- Ideas (curious)
- Fantasy (imaginative)
- Aesthetics (artistic)
- Actions (wide interests)
- Feelings (excitable)
- Values (unconventional)
Joe is high on honesty-humility.
Note: Humility doesn’t mean that someone never puts themselves up – it’s more about having an accurate picture of yourself. So if you’re intelligent, it’s not immodest to realize you’re intelligent or even relate to someone else that you are intelligent. But if you’re average on intelligence and think you’re brilliant, that’s immodest. So humility is more about self-awareness rather than self-esteem.
Although Honesty-Humility does not directly correspond to any Big Five trait, it is strongly correlated with the Straightforwardness and Modesty facets of Big Five Agreeableness. As both of these facets are only weakly correlated with Big Five Agreeableness, some scientists have developed the HEXACO Model: Honesty-Humility (i.e., Straightforwardness and Modesty) and a redefined Agreeableness (Trust, Altruism, Compliance, and Tender-Mindedness).
Joe According to Myers Briggs: INTJ
The Myers-Briggs personality grouping is commonly used by people – including 89 out of the Fortune 100 companies. Scientific evidence is lacking, though.
I’m not a big fan of the Myers Briggs, but I do happen to fit into the INTJ personality type.
However, I’m an extraverted version of an INTJ, if that makes any sense. This means that I fit the description of the INTJ personality the most, but I also score higher on extraversion in the big 5 personality test. This is partly why I’m not a big fan of the Myers Briggs test…
This information is copied from here.
INTJ PERSONALITY (“THE ARCHITECT”)
It’s lonely at the top, and being one of the rarest and most strategically capable personality types, INTJs know this all too well. INTJs form just two percent of the population, and women of this personality type are especially rare, forming just 0.8% of the population – it is often a challenge for them to find like-minded individuals who are able to keep up with their relentless intellectualism and chess-like maneuvering. People with the INTJ personality type are imaginative yet decisive, ambitious yet private, amazingly curious, but they do not squander their energy.
Nothing Can Stop the Right Attitude From Achieving Its Goal
With a natural thirst for knowledge that shows itself early in life, INTJs are often given the title of “bookworm” as children. While this may be intended as an insult by their peers, they more than likely identify with it and are even proud of it, greatly enjoying their broad and deep body of knowledge. INTJs enjoy sharing what they know as well, confident in their mastery of their chosen subjects, but owing to their Intuitive (N) and Judging (J) traits, they prefer to design and execute a brilliant plan within their field rather than share opinions on “uninteresting” distractions like gossip.
A paradox to most observers, INTJs are able to live by glaring contradictions that nonetheless make perfect sense – at least from a purely rational perspective. For example, INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict. But this is because INTJ types tend to believe that with effort, intelligence and consideration, nothing is impossible, while at the same time they believe that people are too lazy, short-sighted or self-serving to actually achieve those fantastic results. Yet that cynical view of reality is unlikely to stop an interested INTJ from achieving a result they believe to be relevant.
In Matters Of Principle, Stand Like a Rock
INTJs radiate self-confidence and an aura of mystery, and their insightful observations, original ideas and formidable logic enable them to push change through with sheer willpower and force of personality. At times it will seem that INTJs are bent on deconstructing and rebuilding every idea and system they come into contact with, employing a sense of perfectionism and even morality to this work. Anyone who doesn’t have the talent to keep up with INTJs’ processes, or worse yet, doesn’t see the point of them, is likely to immediately and permanently lose their respect.
Rules, limitations and traditions are anathema to the INTJ personality type – everything should be open to questioning and reevaluation, and if they see a way, INTJs will often act unilaterally to enact their technically superior, sometimes insensitive, and almost always unorthodox methods and ideas.
This isn’t to be misunderstood as impulsiveness – INTJs will strive to remain rational no matter how attractive the end goal may be, and every idea, whether generated internally or soaked in from the outside world, must pass the ruthless and ever-present “Is this going to work?” filter. This mechanism is applied at all times, to all things and all people, and this is often where INTJ personality types run into trouble.
One Reflects More When Traveling Alone
INTJs are brilliant and confident in bodies of knowledge they have taken the time to understand, but unfortunately the social contract is unlikely to be one of those subjects. White lies and small talk are hard enough as it is for a type that craves truth and depth, but INTJs may go so far as to see many social conventions as downright stupid. Ironically, it is often best for them to remain where they are comfortable – out of the spotlight – where the natural confidence prevalent in INTJs as they work with the familiar can serve as its own beacon, attracting people, romantically or otherwise, of similar temperament and interests.
INTJs are defined by their tendency to move through life as though it were a giant chess board, pieces constantly shifting with consideration and intelligence, always assessing new tactics, strategies and contingency plans, constantly outmaneuvering their peers in order to maintain control of a situation while maximizing their freedom to move about. This isn’t meant to suggest that INTJs act without conscience, but to many Feeling (F) types, INTJs’ distaste for acting on emotion can make it seem that way, and it explains why many fictional villains (and misunderstood heroes) are modeled on this personality type.
- Quick, Imaginative and Strategic Mind – INTJs pride themselves on their minds, taking every opportunity to improve their knowledge, and this shows in the strength and flexibility of their strategic thinking. Insatiably curious and always up for an intellectual challenge, INTJs can see things from many perspectives. INTJs use their creativity and imagination not so much for artistry, but for planning contingencies and courses of action for all possible scenarios.
- High Self-Confidence – INTJs trust their rationalism above all else, so when they come to a conclusion, they have no reason to doubt their findings. This creates an honest, direct style of communication that isn’t held back by perceived social roles or expectations. When INTJs are right, they’re right, and no amount of politicking or hand-holding is going to change that fact – whether it’s correcting a person, a process, or themselves, they’d have it no other way.
- Independent and Decisive – This creativity, logic and confidence come together to form individuals who stand on their own and take responsibility for their own actions. Authority figures do not impress INTJs, nor do social conventions or tradition, and no matter how popular something is, if they have a better idea, INTJs will stand against anyone they have to in a bid to have it changed. Either an idea is the most rational or it’s wrong, and INTJs will apply this to their arguments as well as their own behavior, staying calm and detached from these sometimes emotionally charged conflicts. INTJs will only be swayed by those who follow suit.
- Hard-working and determined – If something piques their interest, INTJs can be astonishingly dedicated to their work, putting in long hours and intense effort to see an idea through. INTJs are incredibly efficient, and if tasks meet the criteria of furthering a goal, they will find a way to consolidate and accomplish those tasks. However, this drive for efficiency can also lead to a sort of elaborate laziness, wherein INTJs find ways to bypass seeming redundancies which don’t seem to require a great deal of thought – this can be risky, as sometimes double-checking one’s work is the standard for a reason.
- Open-minded – All this rationalism leads to a very intellectually receptive personality type, as INTJs stay open to new ideas, supported by logic, even if (and sometimes especially if) they prove INTJs’ previous conceptions wrong. When presented with unfamiliar territory, such as alternate lifestyles, INTJs tend to apply their receptiveness and independence, and aversion to rules and traditions, to these new ideas as well, resulting in fairly liberal social senses.
- Jacks-of-all-Trades – INTJs’ open-mindedness, determination, independence, confidence and strategic abilities create individuals who are capable of doing anything they set their minds to. Excelling at analyzing anything life throws their way, INTJs are able to reverse-engineer the underlying methodology of most any system and apply the concepts that are exposed wherever needed. INTJs tend to have their pick of professions, from IT architects to political masterminds.
- Arrogant – INTJs are perfectly capable of carrying their confidence too far, falsely believing that they’ve resolved all the pertinent issues of a matter and closing themselves off to the opinions of those they believe to be intellectually inferior. Combined with their irreverence for social conventions, INTJs can be brutally insensitive in making their opinions of others all too clear.
- Judgmental – INTJs tend to have complete confidence in their thought process, because rational arguments are almost by definition correct – at least in theory. In practice, emotional considerations and history are hugely influential, and a weak point for INTJs is that they brand these factors and those who embrace them as illogical, dismissing them and considering their proponents to be stuck in some baser mode of thought, making it all but impossible to be heard.
- Overly analytical – A recurring theme with INTJs is their analytical prowess, but this strength can fall painfully short where logic doesn’t rule – such as with human relationships. When their critical minds and sometimes neurotic level of perfectionism (often the case with Turbulent INTJs) are applied to other people, all but the steadiest of friends will likely need to make some distance, too often permanently.
- Loathe highly structured environments – Blindly following precedents and rules without understanding them is distasteful to INTJs, and they disdain even more authority figures who blindly uphold those laws and rules without understanding their intent. Anyone who prefers the status quo for its own sake, or who values stability and safety over self-determination, is likely to clash with INTJ personality types. Whether it’s the law of the land or simple social convention, this aversion applies equally, often making life more difficult than it needs to be.
- Clueless in romance – This antipathy to rules and tendency to over-analyze and be judgmental, even arrogant, all adds up to a personality type that is often clueless in dating. Having a new relationship last long enough for INTJs to apply the full force of their analysis on their potential partner’s thought processes and behaviors can be challenging. Trying harder in the ways that INTJs know best can only make things worse, and it’s unfortunately common for them to simply give up the search. Ironically, this is when they’re at their best, and most likely to attract a partner.
INTJ IN THE WORKPLACE
Above all else, INTJs want to be able to tackle intellectually interesting work with minimal outside interference, no more, no less. Time-consuming management techniques like trust-building getaways, progress meetings, and drawn-out, sandwiched criticisms are only going to annoy INTJs – all they need, be they subordinate, colleague, or manager, is to meet their goals with the highest standard of technical excellence and to be surrounded by, if anyone at all, people who share those values.
INTJs are independent people, and they quickly become frustrated if they find themselves pushed into tightly defined roles that limit their freedom. With the direction of a properly liberal manager, INTJs will establish themselves in a position of expertise, completing their work not with the ambition of managerial promotion, but for its own intrinsic merit. INTJs require and appreciate firm, logical managers who are able to direct efforts with competence, deliver criticism when necessary, and back up those decisions with sound reason.
Note that it is INTJs’ expectations of their managers that are being defined here, and not the other way around, as with some other personality types. Titles mean little to INTJs – trust and respect are earned, and INTJs expect this to be a two way street, receiving and delivering advice, criticisms and results. INTJs expect their managers to be intelligent enough and strong enough to be able to handle this paradigm.
Active teamwork is not ideal for people with the INTJ personality type. Fiercely independent and private, INTJs use their nimble minds and insight to deflect personal talk, avoid workplace tension, and create situations where they aren’t slowed down by those less intelligent, less capable, or less adaptable to more efficient methods. Instead, they will likely poke fun by forcing them to read between the lines and making them deal alone with work that could have been easier if they’d only taken INTJs’ suggestions.
INTJs are brilliant analysts, and will likely gather a small handful of trusted colleagues to involve in their brainstorming sessions, excluding those who get too hung up on details, or who otherwise have yet to earn their respect. But more likely, INTJs will simply take the initiative alone – INTJs love embracing challenges and their consequent responsibilities, and their perfectionism and determination usually mean that the work comes out clean and effective, affording INTJs the twin joys of solitude and victory.
Though they may be surprised to hear it, INTJs make natural leaders, and this shows in their management style. INTJs value innovation and effectiveness more than just about any other quality, and they will gladly cast aside hierarchy, protocol and even their own beliefs if they are presented with rational arguments about why things should change. INTJs promote freedom and flexibility in the workplace, preferring to engage their subordinates as equals, respecting and rewarding initiative and adopting an attitude of “to the best mind go the responsibilities”, directing strategy while more capable hands manage the day-to-day tactics.
But this sort of freedom isn’t just granted, it’s required – those who are accustomed to just being told what to do, who are unable to direct themselves and challenge existing notions, will have a hard time meeting INTJs’ extremely high standards. Efficiency and results are king to INTJs, and behaviors that undermine these conditions are quashed mercilessly. If subordinates try to compensate for their weakness in these areas by trying to build a social relationship with their INTJ managers, on their heads be it – office gossip and schmoozing are not the way into INTJs’ hearts – only bold competence will do.
Professional competence is often the area in which INTJs shine most brilliantly. Their capacity for digesting difficult and complex theories and principles and converting them into clear and actionable ideas and strategies is unmatched by any other type. INTJs are able to filter out the noise of a situation, identifying the core thread that needs to be pulled in order to unravel others’ messes so that they can be rewoven into something at once beautifully intricate and stunningly simple in its function.
The real challenge for INTJs is that in order for their innovative (and to less insightful individuals, seemingly counter-intuitive) ideas to be heard, they need to have a friendly ear to bend, and developing an amiable rapport with authority figures is not exactly in INTJs’ list of core strengths. In their early careers, INTJs will often have to suffer through menial tasks and repeated rejections as they develop their abilities into a skillset that speaks for itself.
INTJs will often find ways to automate routine and mind-numbing tasks, and as they progress, their natural confidence, dedication, and creative intelligence will open the doors to the increased complexity and freedom they crave.
Where’s My Drawing Board?
INTJs tend to prefer to work alone, or at most in small groups, where they can maximize their creativity and focus without repeated interruptions from questioning colleagues and meetings-happy supervisors. For this reason, INTJs are unlikely to be found in strictly administrative roles or anything that requires constant dialogue and heavy teamwork. Rather, INTJs prefer more “lone wolf” positions as mechanical or software engineers, lawyers or freelance consultants, only accepting competent leadership that helps in these goals, and rejecting the authority of those who hold them back.
Their independent attitude and tireless demand for competence mean that INTJs absolutely loathe those who get ahead by seemingly less meritocratic means like social prowess and political connections. INTJs have exceptionally high standards, and if they view a colleague or supervisor as incompetent or ineffective, respect will be lost instantly and permanently. INTJs value personal initiative, determination, insight and dedication, and believe that everyone should complete their work to the highest possible standards – if a schmoozing shill breezes through without carrying their own weight, they may find INTJs’ inventiveness and determination used in a whole new capacity as the winds turn against them.
Timid Men Prefer the Calm
As their careers progress further and their reputation grows, so will the complexity of INTJs’ tasks and projects. INTJs demand progress and evolution, new challenges and theories, and they often accomplish this by pushing into more active strategic positions. While they don’t care for the spotlight, INTJs do enjoy controlling their ideas, and will often expand into low-profile but influential roles as project managers, system engineers, marketing strategists, systems analysts, and military strategists.
But really, INTJs’ vision, creativity, and competence in executing their plans make them viable in just about any career that requires them to think about what they’re doing. While some careers, such as low-level sales and human resources, clearly do not play to their strengths, INTJs are able to build a niche into just about any institution, including their own, that they put their minds to.
In romance, people with the INTJ personality type approach things the way they do with most situations: they compose a series of calculated actions with a predicted and desirable end goal – a healthy long-term relationship. Rather than falling head over heels in a whirlwind of passion and romance, INTJs identify potential partners who meet a certain range of pre-determined criteria, break the dating process down into a series of measurable milestones, then proceed to execute the plan with clinical precision.
In a purely rational world, this is a fool-proof methodology – but in reality, it ignores significant details that INTJs are likely to dismiss prematurely, such as human nature. INTJs are brilliantly intellectual, developing a world in their heads that is more perfect than reality. People entering this world need to fit this fantasy, and it can be incredibly difficult for INTJs to find someone up to the task. Needless to say, finding a compatible partner is the most significant challenge most INTJs will face in life.
Politeness Is Artificial Good Humor
Sentiment, tradition, and emotion are INTJs’ Achilles Heel. Social standards like chivalry are viewed by INTJs as silly, even demeaning. The problem is, these standards have developed as a means of smoothing introductions and developing rapport, of managing expectations, the basis of personal relationships. INTJs’ propensity for frank honesty in word and action tends to violate this social contract, making dating especially difficult for them.
As they mature, INTJs will come to recognize these factors as relevant, incorporating pace and emotional availability into their plans.
Always Remain Cool
The positive side of INTJs’ “giving up” is that they are most attractive when they aren’t trying to be attractive, working in a familiar environment where their confidence and intelligence can be seen in action. Allowing others to come to them is often INTJs’ best strategy, and if they perceive a potential to the relationship, they will spare no effort in developing and maintaining stability and long-term satisfaction.
As their relationships develop, INTJs’ partners will find an imaginative and enthusiastic companion, who will share their world and at the same time grant a huge degree of independence and trust. While INTJs may never be fully comfortable expressing their feelings, and may spend more time theorizing about intimacy than engaging in it, they can always be relied upon to think out a mutually beneficial solution to any situation.
INTJs seek strong, deep relationships, and trust their knowledge and logic to ensure that their partner is satisfied, both intellectually and physically.
But when it comes to emotional satisfaction, INTJs are simply out of their element. Not every partner has the sort of fun INTJs do in addressing conflicts and emotional needs as puzzles to be analyzed and solved. Sometimes emotions need to be expressed for their own sake, and putting every outburst under the microscope isn’t always helpful. If this becomes habit, or INTJs think it may, they are capable of simply ending the relationship, rather than dragging things out.
Truth and Morality
INTJs are bewilderingly deep and intelligent people, bringing stability and insight into their romantic relationships. They prize honest, open communication, and all factors of the relationship are open to discussion and change, but this must be reciprocated. INTJs do what they think is right, and sometimes that comes across as cold – it’s important to know that INTJs don’t make these decisions lightly. They spend a tremendous amount of time and energy trying to understand why and how things go wrong, especially if they’ve devoted themselves to the relationship, and they certainly hurt deeply when things fall apart.